I turned 22 last Sunday. For the first time in my life I forgot that my birthday was approaching until my friends asked me out. I used to be very excited about my birthday as it means delicious & pretty cakes and I get to blow candles & make wishes. I guess I lost the joy of celebrating my birthday because my wish (the same old one) never came true for the past 7 years.
When I woke up on my birthday, I felt tired. Perhaps I was physically tired after going out with my friends the previous nights, but I was mentally tired too. So tired. I felt like just lying there on my bed until the death god comes. Though it was my birthday which usually means celebration, I felt that it means my countdown to death. Given that most people live to 80 nowadays, I was agonised by the fact that I had to live for 58 more years. I was, and still is, tired of life. Life is so tiring. As I laid on my bed and looked up at my ceiling, I asked myself: what's the point of living so hard when we are all going to die in the end? Those people who are reading this blog and had lost a loved one before may hate me- hate me for not treasuring my life when life is so precious. However, this is my blog and I would like to recommend these people to not continue reading on.
Life is precious. But why? Because we cannot live forever? No, I do not think so. Life is precious only when one finds meaning in it. For me, I have no yearning in life. I'm tired of schooling, then working, then saving loads of money, then repaying my mom, then building a family- it's like a never-ending vicious cycle. Some may say this is life. Is it? To me, it's a living death. What is the point of working so hard when we are all going to die? What is the point of earning money when we are all going to die? What is the point of living when we will die? Since our final destination is death (Christians and others may say otherwise, but I'm too tired to even care about heaven or hell), why work so hard? People reading this may think that I am overly-stressed by schoolwork. No, I'm not. Though there is plentiful of journal readings and the pressure of maintaining my cap, I'm not stressed- at least, not yet.
I have been feeling so tired. Tired of living for living is tiring. On my 22nd birthday, I wished for death for I was too tired to continue. Why am I so tired? I am not even sure of the reason myself. Maybe I have yet to find meaning in my life. Maybe there is nothing to motivate me to live. Maybe because of past events. Maybe... I do not know. But I know I do not fear death. In fact I welcome death on that day. This is not because I am not afraid of death, but because I have nothing. I believe one becomes afraid of death when one have something to lose in life.
What is the point of living? Why am I born? What am I? When I asked my mom these questions on my birthday, she gave me a textbook/ evolutionary psy answer: "To reproduce and continue the human race." I guess my sudden qn took her by surprise. But seriously, I don't give a damn about the extinction of human beings. Afterall, as earth revolves nearer and nearer to the sun, earth will one day explode into pieces (In a few hundreds of centuries). And unless Man finds another suitable planet to live on, humans will be extinct in the distant future. Then the question again is why work so hard when we are going to die?
Tired... I will continue later or another day...
P.s. my wish was to have a happy family. I had durian cake this year and blew the candles, but this time round I didn't bother to make a wish.
